


I'll Be Okay

by MyNameIsRochelleRae



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 19:23:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4316784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyNameIsRochelleRae/pseuds/MyNameIsRochelleRae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When I closed my eyes, it was dark. When I opened them, it was the same. Day and night held no meaning to me until you came along. Perhaps you helped pull me out of the darkness and now I can see. All I know that it'll be okay. I'll be okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on my own personal experience dealing with depression and anxiety. I hope that people can see that things do get better. Slowly but surely, things will get better. There'll be ups and downs, but the sun will start to shine again. 
> 
> I hope you do enjoy reading it!  
> Do leave me your opinions and constructive criticisms about the story for me!

Hands trembling, gripping tight around the blade. It rested on his wrist; it felt sharp but did not cut into his skin yet. Tears started streaming down his face. _I’m scared._ Releasing his breath, he pressed the blade down and dragged it across his wrist. The piercing pain was welcomed with both arms. He watched the blood slowly well up and drip down from the cut. For once, he did not feel the anguish anymore. He let out a breathy laugh as the tears fell faster.

Ray woke up feeling a numb throbbing at his arm. Looking down, he saw the cuts on his wrist; they were no longer open but were angry red lines. He sighed heavily. _Why am I doing this to myself?_ He got up out of bed unwillingly; he had work to attend. Raising the toothbrush to his mouth, he eyed the cuts on his wrist. _I am so disgusting._ Ray struggled to hold back tears and quickly washed up.

Sometimes Ray found it hard to keep up with the energy of the rest of the guys in the office. The fiery tempered Michael Vincent Jones was on the couch engaging in a passionate kiss with the office goofball Gavin David Free. James Ryan Haywood was laughing maniacally over thinking of new ways to kill the other guys. Geoffrey Ramsey was out in the kitchen probably adding some alcohol into his coffee and only Jack Pattillo seems to be the only calm, rational one in the office. Ray quietly took his seat and booted up his systems hoping that no one would notice the cuts on his arms. Putting on his headphones, he drowned out the other noises from the guys. No one seemed to notice him in his chair, so Ray started playing his video games.

Halfway through a boss battle, he felt someone staring at him and a hand pulled him out of his seat, also pulling out the headphone jack from the port. Ryan was pulling Ray out of the office, the rest did not notice.

“What are you doing Ryan?” Ray was flustered; he instinctively covered his wrist with his free hand.

“What are those?” Ryan stared at the cuts on Ray’s arm pointedly, his voice almost a low growl. Ray could see the anger in Ryan’s eyes.

 “Umm, those are nothing Rye-bread. Serious. I cut them on accident.” Ray tried to squirm out of Ryan’s tight grip.

“Ray, you really expect me to believe that those cuts were on accident. Those multiple cuts on your wrist were just you being clumsy?” Ryan’s voice developed an even more cutting edge. Ray looked away; he could not bear to look at Ryan.

“Come here,” Ryan’s voice softened as he watched Ray start to tear up. His grip loosened considerably. They sat at the kitchen; Ryan had pulled out the first aid kit, cleaned up the cuts and bandaged them without saying anything to one another.

 

They did not speak about it again for the whole day. No one really asked about the bandages, Ray came up with the cover story that he sprained it when someone did ask.

Ray was chastising himself _, I should have thought about how obvious the cuts would be. I am a failure at even that. I do not want the rest to worry about me; this is my own problem. Fuck, I do not want them to worry over someone as insignificant as me._ Ray tried very hard to keep the tears in. His breathing was laboured and he started to shake. Ray realised that he was having a panic attack and tried to speak out, but his vocal chords had tightened up and all he could do was sit at his chair, incapacitated by his anxiety. He gripped the table, knuckles turning white and hoped for the attack to go away. Everyone else was engrossed at trying to finish editing their videos, filming the last parts of their videos or working on the next episode's material to notice Ray. He was thankful. _I do not need the rest of them to see me in this state; I do not need them to see how weak I am._ His breaths slowly started to slow down, along with his heart rate. Loosening his grip on the table, he opened his eyes. Ray realised that he had been crying. This time, he heard chairs moving and immediately wiped away his tears and tried to act as if nothing happened at all.

Ray looked up to staring right into Ryan's eyes. He saw the normal shine in Ryan's eyes turn to a look of concern right before he turned his head away. The tears started to fall again. In the same day, Ryan saw his weak side twice. The side he was ashamed to have.

"Hey, Ray, it's okay." Ryan's voice was uncharacteristically soft. Ryan had crouched down to be at eye-level with Ray. He slowly extended his hand and rested it on Ray's forearm, fingers slowly stroking his skin. "It's okay."

"Really?" Ray's voice was nothing more than a whisper. It was not okay. The spiral of depression he was forced to face when the lights were turned off had started to follow him into the day. Sometimes Ray would open his eyes and be engulfed in the darkness and the despair. Sometimes, he could barely see past the darkness. He kept quiet about it. No one had to know but this time it had spilled over.

"Yes really, we're all here for you Ray. I'm here for you." Ryan's voice was so sincere; his ocean blue eyes were calm. Ray nearly believed it for a second. He did until the tendrils of darkness pulled him back. Whispered vicious words in his ear, telling Ray that he was not worth anyone's time or effort.

Ray said nothing, just nodded and pulled his hand back. Ray watched the hurt cut the calm of Ryan's eyes like a knife. Ryan straightened up and walk out of the office; he was going home.

_I fucked up. I fucked up and I said something horrible to someone trying to help me. Why did I do that? Why can't I believe that he is trying to help me? I fucked up really badly. I'm sorry Ryan._

 

Ray had gone through his routine of editing his work, ordering and eating Chinese food, watching Netflix and washed up. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. It was distorted. It was so unlike the image he remembered from long ago when things were still okay. The reflection facing him was of a man who looked tired. A man who looked done. He quickly wiped his face and went to bed. 

He stared at the ceiling, watched the shadows dancing to a sad tune. The clock ticked away, he continued staring at the dancing shadows. Closing his eyes, he drifted off along with the shadows to a place not much better than reality.

Ray opened his eyes to being back at the office, a perfect moment he stored away. The Achievement Hunters were all in the open space laughing. He was laughing too. They were being silly, tired of just editing. Gavin had jokingly asked if they played Tag in America and bragged that he was the best at Tag. Michael insulted Gavin, saying that he was good only because cowards were good at running away. Offended, Gavin challenged Michael to a game of Tag and it became an office-wide event.

Everyone was running madly in different directions, all trying to avoid the person who was It, Michael. Mostly because they did not want to be tackled by the redhead. Ray wanted to participate too, but just as he was about to run, black inky tendrils rose from the ground and held his legs in place.

"Help! Guys, help! I can't move!" Ray yelled voice desperate. Panic was taking over. No one looked.

"Can't you guys hear me! Please, help!" The tendrils had started to cover more of his body, reaching up to his neck, choking him. No one turned to notice him.

"Such a pity that Ray didn't want to join us huh?" Ryan puffed out while making a sharp right to avoid Michael. Everyone grunted in agreement.

"I'm right here!" Ray's voice was muffled; the tendrils had completely consumed him. He could not breathe.

Ray jerked awake; tears were rushing down his face. He turned on the night light on the bedside table. Looking down, he was relieved to see that there were no tendrils covering him. Then it hit him at all once, the sadness, the despair, the pain. It took over as he broke down. Breaths came in sobs; his tears rocked his whole body. He heard the clock ticking as he cried into his blanket.

Ray blindly reached out for his phone while trying to catch his breath as the tears kept falling. Turning it on, the light blinded his eyes for a second. As he adjusted as much as he could, he saw that it was 2 in the morning.

_I need to talk to someone. I need to before I cut myself again. Before I do something worse._

James Ryan Haywood was in his favourites. Ray's finger hovered over the call button. Another wave of sadness washed over him and Ray felt like he was drowning. He pressed call.

 

The call rang four times and Ray was about to cancel the call when Ryan picked up.

"Ray?" Ryan's voice was husky and heavy with sleep. Ray felt a rush of relief, a spark of hope.

"Ryan, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up but I just... I just needed to talk to someone." Ray spoke in between sobs.

"Ray. Ray, what's wrong?" Ryan's voice immediately lost some of the tiredness when he heard Ray sob.

"Please, could you..." Ray started to get hiccups from crying so much, he could not finish his sentence.

"Ray, I'll be right over." Ryan's voice sounded decisive.

 _No. Don't waste time on me._ Ray cried into the blanket again as Ryan ended the call. He walked to the living room and opened the front door.

 

As Ray calmed down and the tears stopped flowing, there was soft knocking on the door.

"Ray?" Ryan's distinct voice called out.

"It's open." Ray's voice was raspy and tired from all the crying. It was tired from everything. Ryan walked in, locking the door behind him.

Without saying a word, Ryan stride over to the Ray who was lying on the sofa and held Ray in his arms.

"It's okay. I'm here." Ryan whispered in Ryan's ear, stroking his hair.

Ray was too tired to move or say anything. Ryan looked in Ray's eyes, it was dark, but Ray could tell that Ryan did not like what he saw.

"Let's get you to bed okay?" Ryan asked as he started to lift Ray off the sofa. Ray nodded slightly. Ryan found the bedroom easily; he had been there before. Ray had started to doze off, too tired from the emotional breakdown earlier. He felt the strong arms of Ryan leave him and he whimpered.

"I'm right here Ray, give me a second, I'll be right by your side." Ray heard Ryan's comforting voice by the side of the bed and felt the bed shift slightly as Ryan sat on the bed. Ray heard the thuds of Ryan's shoes hitting the floor and felt more shifting before feeling the warmth of Ryan wrapped around him.

"Sleep now, do not be afraid of nightmares, my Ray. I am right beside you. Sleep." Ryan's voice was so soft and yet so reassuring. Ray's eyes closed. _I'll be okay now._

 

The sound of the alarm clock woke Ray up. It was warm; he felt Ryan's arms around his waist. Ryan shifted at the sound of the alarm but did not wake up. Ray realised that it was the first time in months that he slept well. He leaned down and kissed Ryan's cheek.

"Trying to take advantage of me Ray?" Ryan's husky voice joked. Ray laughed softly.

"Why yes, I am going to eat you right up right here, right now." Ray spoke, voice sounding serious. They both laughed. Ryan sat up and faced Ray. Ray looked away, slightly uncomfortable at how close Ryan was. Ryan gently stroked Ray's face and tilted it up. Ray looked at Ryan; he got lost in the blue and accepted the kiss. It was soft and gentle, everything Ray needed right now.

 

"Move in with me." Ryan asked after they broke apart. Ray looked confused.

"We discussed this before Ray. You're getting worse now and if you stay with me, I'll be able to take care of you better. Before you go into your argument that you like this apartment, we both know that that is not true." Ryan stated. His voice was serious. Ray wanted to stay with Ryan too, but he did not want to impose.

"But..." Ray tried to argue, but Ryan did not let him continue.

"Before you say that you do not want to be a burden to me and you'll stay here, listen to me. You are not a burden to me Ray. You will never be a burden to me. I love you Ray, and I know you love me too. So before you worry me to death, just accept and move in with me. As much as I love the 2am booty calls, we both know it would be easier on the both of us if you were just staying with me." Ryan continued.

"I can't do that to you..." Ray was still hesitating. He really wanted to stay with Ryan but he just could not let himself be someone else's problem.

"I want you to stay with me. I am asking you to stay with me willingly. You will not cause me any trouble; you will not be a burden to me. You always come over for dinner and just to hang out and never once have I told you that it was troublesome for me right? Ray, my love, please, come and stay with me. I want to take care of you, help you. Please Ray. Please. I just need you to be with me." Ryan's voice broke at the end. Ray teared up again and nodded.

_Maybe now I'll slowly start to get better. Soon, I'll be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> Some people may say that people aren't the reason why you get better. That you get better with your own efforts. But I think that they are wrong. People do help; friends, family, lovers, they do help. They are not the sole reason that you get better, but they can be the ones who pull you out from the darkness and help you see that you can be okay.
> 
> If it comes across in my story that he only got better because his lover helped him and no other reason, I don't mean it. I just meant to say that his lover was his pillar of strength. That because his lover was there to help him, he was strong enough to help himself get better. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Forgive me if there are any spelling/grammar errors, do leave comments and constructive criticisms for me!


End file.
